i miss being selfish.

i know. it's a super endearing statement, right? especially on the heels of a post about a pedicure yesterday. but firstly: dirty, ugly or whatever, it's a true statement. and secondly, i'm pretty sure yesterday's pedicure was only my 2nd in 10 months (read: since i have had Elliot.)

i don't mean that i miss being selfish ALL the time. i don't live my days wishing for it. but every now and then? (like this morning at 5 am when Elliot woke up?) i miss it. i miss not having anyone's needs to put before my own. i miss deciding (on a whim, no less) to SLEEP IN. or to stay in bed reading for hours. or to stay in bed in the morning with my husband for hours. (what?!)

ohhh, i'll take the insanity a step further. i miss being selfish AND lazy, AT THE SAME TIME! currently, i only nap when Elliot naps every once and a while. typically, when he naps, i shower, or clean the kitchen, or (like now) blog. Nap Time = Mommy Getting Stuff Done Time. sometimes i wish it could just be Lazy Ass Momma Time.

so, i miss being selfish. and really, can you blame me? you give up a bit of autonomy when you get married, thus you give up a little of that Me Time. but really, i have spent 28 years with my needs being pretty much front-and-center a lot of the time. now i don't give my needs a second thought between the hours of 6 AM and 7 PM... you know, unless they are pertaining to my survival or my (relative) cleanliness. during Elliot's awake hours he says "Jump!" and i say "How high? And would the Young Master have need of a bum cleaning WHILST i commence jumping?"

so it feels a little ugly to admit, but i do: i miss worrying about ME more. and doing what i want to do. i need more Mommy Time. i would worry about alienating you all with this admission, but i'm pretty sure you're with me. we just don't discuss it. and WHY not? i like reading your blogs because it makes me feel understood and supported, and helps to keep me positive on tough days. but i think admitting things that aren't very pretty are helpful as well... it makes me feel less alone.

so a thank you to Heir to Blair for getting today's honesty train rolling. want to jump on? tell me what you would do with today if it became Momma's Day... the Magic FairyBabysitter arrives and you have the whole day free: what would you do?