at this time a year ago...

Dear my Elliot, my big boy, my 1 year old today,

it's a game i have been playing all day. "at this time a year ago" i was relaxing in my labor and delivery room, in and out of napping, blissed out on the epidural that was finally working. your dad was watching your heart rate monitor and having minor stress attacks. i was so exhausted i was totally unaware of this fact, and thank goodness. :) you were working your way into this world, and the nurse decided it would be best for me to rest and let you do your thing for a while.

buddy, you are SUCH a big boy these days. the other day at breakfast Dad was showing you his hat, telling you to take it off his head and put it on yours, it was all about Dad's hat for a few minutes at breakfast. then in the car on the way home you took a toy i was holding, put it on your head, looked at me and said "hat!" and smiled. buddy, YOU SAID HAT! i couldn't believe it.

you also say "mama" now. Dad thinks it's officially your "first word" and i agree. you've been babbling it for months, but now you say it and (for example) set off crawling to come find me. or say it and come climb in my lap.

that's the other thing, in the last month you have become a total snuggler. i never thought the day would come, and it's the best. you come crawling over and either climb up and hug me, or flop over and bury your face into my body. usually you are such a busy guy that breastfeeding is the only time we get to snuggle, so i love that you initiate cuddles every now and then.

especially now that we are done breastfeeding. we made it to a full year, i am so proud of us! you have been handing the transition to whole milk like a little champion. i have been taking the entire month to wean you, cutting out one nursing session a week, and it has worked like a charm (so far.) i got a little sad about it tonight, i will miss our special time. how you would perch one foot up on my shoulder while nursing, play with the straps on my t-shirt, play with your own hair or pet your own head. the best is in the middle of the night when you would be so sleepy, you would just reach up and pet my face or my neck really gently. it was lovely snuggle time with you buddy, and i am going to miss it.

at first i was worried you weren't drinking enough whole milk to compensate for the weaned feedings, but the past few days you seem to have gotten the hang of it. you are also eating solids like a CHAMPION! it's not just yogurt anymore: grilled cheese, watermelon, sweet potato chips, french toast, scrambled egg, bits of chicken, bananas, dehydrated fruits and AVOCADOS. you can't get enough avocado. and still yogurt, clearly.

in other Big Boy News (and i have to whisper this one, so the universe won't play any tricks on me for bragging about it) you are sleeping through the night. just in the past week, like all the way through the night! I put you down somewhere between 7-7:30, and we don't hear a peep from you until morning. up until a week ago, i was still getting up once a night to feed you, and i was sure that this midnight snack was going to be the hardest breastfed to wean you from, but you did it all by yourself. i couldn't be more grateful (nor, i'm sure, could the neighbors in the apartments neighboring ours. letting you cry it out at 3 am would get ugly really fast.) the BEST part? the "morning" i refer to? it used to be somewhere between 5-6 am (which was just, really, the worst.) suddenly? (let's whisper this too) you are waking up after 7 am... like, sometimes after 7:30. i don't understand what this is all about, but thank you and happy birthday to us both. now if only i could stop waking up by habit at 6:30...

you have also been doing a lot of talking to yourself, and laughing to yourself, which we find amazing and hysterical. you are just cracking yourself up, and we have to stifle our laughter so we don't stop you when you are giggling away, because it's just so fascinating to watch.

you crawl SO fast, and cruise like a pro. every now and then you stand on your own, and just in this last week you let us hold your hands and you walk around. you are looking so tall, and you are losing your baby fat, and just staring to look like such a little boy.

it is hard to know that you are a year old today, because it feels like you were born yesterday. recognizing how precious time is and how fast time flies is humbling and terrifying. it isn't hard to know that you are 1 today, that part is exciting! it is just recognizing that the day you turn 10... 16... 30... 40... i'm sure those will all feel like time has passed in a blink, just like this first year. i want to see you running and talking and starting school and losing your first tooth and making friends and going to prom and graduating high school and getting married and having babies of your own... but could we just do all that a little slower please? mama would really like to make sure that she gets all this down somewhere in her brain, so that she has the memories forever.

a year ago right now, i was 45 minutes away from starting the pushing that would bring you into my life just over an hour later. my life was already changing, and while i knew that, i didn't really know what it would mean.

at 11:19 PM on July 27th, 2009 you arrived. and i am so thankful for that day, all the days that have followed, and everything yet to come. i love you, always.

love,

your mama